


So Hecking Weird

by kittensmctavish



Category: BuzzFeed Violet (Short Films), Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Cats, Gen, I'm Bad At Tagging, Musical References, Tumblr: Buzzfeed Creations Challenge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-01
Updated: 2018-09-01
Packaged: 2019-07-05 07:18:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15858864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kittensmctavish/pseuds/kittensmctavish
Summary: Obi's humans are so hecking weird.





	So Hecking Weird

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for The Buzzfeed Creations Challenge. How could I not make it about Obi in some fashion? …gonna be perfectly honest, I’m very tired, so I’m fairly certain what I’ve written over the past few hours is garbage. I’m sorry.

Obi’s humans are so hecking weird.

***

The glasses thing. He doesn’t get the glasses thing.

They are both capable of sight without them. Why do they wear the glasses some of the time, then?

He’s looked through them, one time when Sara was wearing them and reading a book that was not the Moomin book, and he leapt up on to the couch to bat at the glasses, and Sara cooed over him and scratched his ears and asked if he wanted glasses.

And she put them on him and the effect on his eyes was such that he leapt right back off the fucking couch. The monstrosities completely borked up his vision.

Why would humans do that to themselves? What jollies do they get from walking around, unable to see the world the way it is meant to be seen?

(It might just be a cat thing, possibly – that cats were not meant to wear glasses and, therefore, not meant to see through them.) (Obi chooses to attribute it to the facts that his humans are hecking weird.)

***

Obi likes the Moomin book.

He doesn’t know whose it is. He’s willing to bet on Sara; she is always art-ing, and the art-ing in the book is very like her. Then again, some of the things that happen in the Moomin book sound very like Shane. Like the things he laughs at and such.

He has days where sometimes, he will stare at the MOOMIN on the spine of the Moomin book, until one of his humans gets the hecking hint and takes it down to read to him.

(And then they do a considerable audacity in calling HIM the hecking weird one and accusing him of not being able to read.)

(Language barriers are so inconvenient, sometimes.)

***

They force “Cats” upon him.

Obi hates “Cats”.

Not because the music is terrible (although it is…oh my, it is…). But because there are so many hecking inaccuracies, not only to Jellicle cats in general, but also regarding that specific Jellicle Ball.

(He should know. He was there. Which cat was he? He’ll never tell.)

He does like the human who portrays Old Deuteronomy. Almost as warm and endearing as the Old Deuteronomy he knows. And the song about Gus does him a considerable melancholy.

But the inaccuracies far outweigh the positives. The “Magical” Mr. Mistofolees is as much a magician as Shane believes ghosts are real. The Rum Tum Tugger is a terrible bore” is the only correct lyric in the song devoted to him. Macavity was never that evil; he just refused to ever see the dentist and would whine all day about the holes in his teeth (hence, the name). No one hated Grizabella; actually, everyone was pleased as punch to see her that night.

Need Obi go on? No? Good. Heck you, Andrew Lloyd Webber and T.S. Eliot.

***

But anystrudel, back to his humans being hecking weird.

If Shane sings one more song about wanting to shave Obi, Obi’s gonna hack into Shane’s computer and delete all his notes for the next eight seasons of the Tube Meat Story he’s got plotted out, and that includes the practically Nostradamian songs sung by the chips man.

***

That’s right. Obi can hack into computers.

He’s read all your fics. Every. Single. Hecking. One.

And y’all are doing him a considerable disappoint.

So little fic featuring him. For shame.

(He’s reading this one right now, and gotta be honest, he’s not impressed. Step up your hecking game, author. You sully the name of Kittens, in Obi’s eyes.)

(Obi smirks at the shame upon the author’s face.)

***

…this was about Obi’s humans being hecking weird, right?

Because of Obi’s humans are hecking weird, then Obi’s humans’ human friend are SUPER hecking weird.

There’s Shane’s friend, Ryan. He is apparently something called a “sneakerhead”, but given that Ryan never wears his sneakers upon his head, that name is inaccurate.

Anystrudel, whenever Ryan comes over, it takes all of Obi’s willpower not to nibble at Ryan’s shoes. They are just so hecking pretty that Obi kind of wants to eat them. (He’s eaten shoes before. They’re decidedly not a foodstuff. But the ones Ryan wears look appealing enough to possibly be edible.) He starts innocently enough, batting at the shoelaces, and then Ryan will say something about how cute Obi is and leans down to scratch that one spot behind Obi’s ear and makes him weak and all intents of shoe-eating are gone.

(Next time, Ryan…next time…)

Then there is Garrett.

Obi does not like Garrett. Garrett is too tall. Shane is tall enough for Obi, and that’s barely tolerable as it is. …Tall-erable. …whatever, TOO HECKING TALL, GARRETT, PLEASE LEAVE.

(His favorite of their friends is the ginger one with the beard who is quiet and likes food. Adam, if Obi remembers correctly.) (He likes Adam. Adam reminds Obi of himself.) (He calls him Human Obi.)

***

One time there’s a storm. Sara is curled up on the couch, drawing in her book (probably another rendition of Obi, and sensing that, he pretends to be lazy but really just keeps still so she can capture his likeness best). The scritch-scratch of Sara’s pencil against paper does him a considerable sleepy…may be a combination of that and the storm. Just lots of good calming sounds all around.

Rain is rain, it’s never really bothered Obi. Nor has thunder. Lightning…it can be pretty, but more often than not, Obi thinks of it as the flash of another picture being taken of him.

It’s only when the lights go off that Obi blinks before sitting up and looking around. Was Shane home and trying to do them a laugh? Had Sara done it? (Obi doesn’t think so, from the small sound of surprise he hears come from her, and the gentle plop of her notepad hitting the carpet.)

A flash of lightning illumines the room for a second or so, and Obi sees concern flash on Sara’s face with the lightning. Rain falls harder (maybe hail? Obi does not like hail.)

After a moment, Obi finds himself being scooped up into Sara’s arms, shushing him and assuring him there’s nothing to be afraid of. (Which…he hasn’t said anything or made any noise. And he’s not afraid.)

It’s only when she walks back over to sit down with him that Obi notices she’s shaking a little. That the tremor from the thunder makes it way into her voice. Her phone is out and lights up her face and the small area of the couch they are on. From what Obi can make out, she is messaging Shane, making sure he’s safe, when he’ll be home. And when she is done, she leaves the light of her phone on, holding Obi a little tighter and telling him Shane will be home soon, everything’s fine.

Obi finds this hecking weird because he’s not concerned. Sara can probably tell he’s not concerned. And yet she is trying to comfort him as though he’s afraid.

He move to rest more comfortably against her, kneading his paws into her. She laughs a little shaky laugh and murmurs something about kneading biscuits. But it seems to help her shake less, become less tense. Or maybe she calms from running her hand over Obi’s back.

Whatever. He’ll comfort his hecking weird human until Shane gets home or the power comes back or the storm passes.

(All three end up happening at about the same time.)

***

Then there’s that time Shane calls the vet because he thinks Obi’s dying. Because for all his book smarts, he’s unaware that cats can have allergies, too.

Obi sneezed ONCE, and Shane started doing a significant nope, muttering to himself about killing the cat, dishonor on him, dishonor on his cow, he’s abandoned his child, he’s abandoned his boy, as he waited on hold with the vet.

Even the vet had to be thinking “Jeez with this guy”.

Obi’s heard Shane sneeze before, but he never yowled in concern over that. Because he knows humans sneeze, just like cats, and dogs, and other animals also sneeze.

Sneezes are a part of life.

(He does walk over and rub his head against his hecking weird human’s leg when his increasingly sheepish conversation with the vet ends.)

***

There is an International Cat Day.

Obi is aware of it. But he knows not all humans are aware of it (or, if they are, what day it falls on). So he doesn’t expect much from his humans when the day approaches.

Which was…actually rather foolish on his part.

He wakes up, rubs his eyes with a paw, pads out of his smol bed and into the kitchen.

Where he immediately scooped up by Shane and wished a happy International Cat Day. Similar affection from Sara comes shortly after.

They feed him well that day. Not that they ever feed him BADLY, it’s just…they give him what he knows is the fancier, more expensive cat food. (He doesn’t have a preference for food based on a price point. Food is food. But he appreciates the thought.)

They take him to a park. Shane has taken him out for walks a couple of times, but usually just around the apartment complex. Today, it’s a park. Not, like, a playground, or a dog park, Just a general park, with lots of trees and grass and birbs. It’s so green and pretty that Obi’s pace is slow, not because he doesn’t like the work, but because he can’t stop looking at everything.

Later that afternoon, there are considerable cuddles with Sara as she scritches just the right spot on his head. It’s so calming and the walk was so long that they’re both asleep very soon.

And when he wakes up, and when he and Sara make their way to the living room, there’s another surprise. A new climbing apparatus. It’s taller than Shane, and Shane’s arms are outstretched in presentation as a loud TA-DA fills the space. (He must have just finished because he’s red in the face and shimmery with sweat and also the assembly instructions are still on the floor which Obi notices and immediately runs towards to play with.)

(…right, the new tower. He should be more interested in that. And he is. But that will still be there. He has one chance at the paper before Shane or Sara snatch it away in an unfounded fear that Obi will deign to eat paper.)

From the tallest part of the tower, Obi later tried to raise himself up and reach a paw towards the ceiling. He does a considerable try before settling back down onto the soft, scratchy carpet on the tower.

Later that night, Sara and Shane both read to him from the Moomin book, alternating roles. Obi is settled between them, tail curling happily back and forth as they read. He looks up at some point, and leans over to lick Shane’s face, then Sara’s. He is rewarded with scritches and smooches.

***

Obi’s humans are so hecking weird. But he loves them.

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback welcome and appreciated.


End file.
